I am still procrastinating. I am piling up the distractions with great skill. Distraction upon distraction upon distraction dissuade me from completing the work at hand. There are no external deadlines; there is only the simple fear of regret. Sadly, regret has never stood much of a chance against my ability to quit.
I have never found much problem with quitting either ethically or psychologically.
So, here I sit in the library trying to think through the quitting, past the distractions, so that I can get this goddam work done.
Yeah, whatever. Bite me.
"It's not a hill, it's a mountain when you start out the climb."
Why won't Bono leave me alone? Take your Irish enthusiasm elsewhere, Paul.
I hate heights. I do. And I don't climb. Relatedly, I have never felt the elation of achievement, on the the inevitability of completing the task at hand. So, what's my motivation here? I am struggling to find my get up and go (it done got up and went).
I am sharing this struggle not to seek some kind of compassionate response but as a road marker for those who might be considering a similar path. My friends who have gone this way left me similar markers.
So, I leave this for you.
Understand these words well:
You absolutely must achieve freedom!
You definitely must go down the path that leads to the shore.
With an undaunted heart and singing
with a bold strong voice you will cross over.
You will have to breast the waves cheerfully
in spite of the storm's blasts.
Even if the entanglements of illusions
cause you to reel in bewilderment
you will still have to get release.
On the path there are indeed thorns;
trampling on them, you will have to go on.
Don't die fearfully
while you hold dreams of happiness
tightly in your embrace.
In order to have your fill of life
You will have to sustain the blows of death